Saturday, May 25, 2013

Reflection

With the recent ups and downs I'm experiencing, it's really a roller coaster ride. With my finals coming soon, feeling stressed up and all, really gets me thinking, about what I've done, what I've experienced throughout my 19 years+ of life, what I've yet to experience and many more.

Looking ahead, my future is so uncertain, I feel so insecure. Choosing my path to pursue ACCA was a rather quick choice I made when I was 17. Not much thoughts were given, I expected it to be tough, but now that I'm in it, feels totally different. And the disappointment continues when I'm told by lecturers that your life as an auditor is suffering, and if you want to continue to work your way up in an audit firm, you'll have to suffer at least 9 years. Don't think this applies to everyone, but I'm pretty sure it's the norm. Working at odd hours, overtime till 2am in the morning, work until you've become a zombie, that's what I'm afraid of. I think, maybe I'm just afraid of graduating and start working, maybe I'm just afraid of growing up.

If I do not fail my papers, it means I'm graduating in a years' time, much much faster than degree students. And just the mere thought of it scares me. Am I prepared for it? I'm still a childish kid who's still weak and frail, venturing into working life is just scary. "Just go for it" is what people always say. I know, taking risks is part of our life, accepting challenges and overcoming them. 

I was browsing through old photos of when I was young. Looking back at my primary and high school life. They say 'appreciate your schooling days', I believe I did try to appreciate my life back then, but I felt that it's always not enough, once it's gone, it's gone, even though it leaves as a memory in our minds. My high school life was more memorable, bonded with friends like I never did. Though, I was quite quiet back in Form 1/2. I felt harder to fit in and was a much more silent person I believe. Gradually, I opened up more in Form 3, started to gain trusty friends. Life was awesome. One of the few reasons I took up photography, to remember each and every moment in life. No matter how small it is, if it's a happy event, then it's worth a picture.

I'm content with what I have, although I'm always jealous of other people owning gaming consoles and high-end PCs and what not haha. I've had my fair share of entertainment. Going out with friends, sleepovers, trips, organizing activities and etc. Always enjoy every moment, is what I tell myself every time.

Looking back at my early uni years, it was tough for me when I first entered. I was psyched and scared at the same time. The thought of living alone, and also away from your family. I know it's part of growing up, learning to be independent, but I'm a spoiled kid back at home, y'know, that kind of thing. The first week was horrible, my roommate was on semester break, so I'm alone in the room. I went to class feeling pumped up to make new friends, get to know different people out there. Sad to say that there isn't any people from my hometown in my class, felt a bit distant. Though I managed muster some courage and spoke to some people who sat next to me when I entered the class. Glad that they responded to me positively, and we've been friends since then. You know who you are if you're reading this post /high5

But still, even though I made new friends, I still felt lonely. *psst* here's a secret that I barely told anyone, I was crying daily for about a week when I first came to PJ XD Yeah, I was a cry baby back then, also, I was bugging my bro to go back every week haha.  Slowly, I got accustomed to living alone, and life was much better since then.

I have to say that, despite all that suffering, it's a good choice that I came to PJ to further my studies. One of my dreams is to join an ACG event committee. GACC (Games, Anime, Comic Circle), organized by Emina Club from MMU Melaka gave me a huge impact, and all that was in my mind back then was "waaah, wouldn't it be nice to be part of this?" Not to boast but, I always prefer to take up the leadership role at times. Organizing trips/events is actually quite enjoyable. I've done a few stuffs in high school, class jamuan, organizer for Pendidikan Sivik roadtrip to KL and some other miscellaneous events. Well now that I'm part of AniManGaki, life is good. I guess why it's enjoyable for me is that, you get to see how the event grows, experience working with other individuals, understand more about other people/your mates. Well, that's one chapter of my life here in PJ.

A part of growing up in life, also means seeing the elderly age. Looking at my parents, relatives, grandparent, it's kind of sad to see them age. I'm well aware it's inevitable, but it's just sad. Sooner or later you realize that the remaining amount of time you can spend with them together is getting lesser and lesser, thanks to your commitments. Like how I haven't went back since Chinese New Years. I know it's only 4 months but I feel homesick, heh, I actually feel homesick. I just want to go back home, meet my parents, sit on the couch and watch TV, wanna lead a carefree life and runaway from all this. Though, that's not a good thing to do *cough*

What's part of uni life you say? Love life! Mine was a bitter sweet story though. We would always chat over on Facebook about our common interests, Vocaloid, games and everything else. The games we played when we were young were almost the same even, such coincidence. But then, things started falling apart, and I guess, we were not meant to be. I really enjoyed that short moment we were together, I truly enjoyed. I was inexperienced and selfish, and I'm thankful that you're able to tolerate me. I will keep my promise that we'll still be friends, and I hope you feel the same way too. I've gained a lot of experience from this, and that made me tougher, just a little. It's funny how my friends come to me for relationship advice now, feels so whacky, oddest part is that now I can relate to how they feel haha.

Am I having a good life? Maybe yes, maybe no to some people. But I believe I'm having the time of my life. "Think about the positive parts of your life, rather than the negatives" - what I always tell myself, and how I'm able to hold myself together. 

Approximately a year left in uni life. Unsure whether I will go back Melaka to work, or find a job here in Selangor/KL. It's pretty safe to say that accountants/auditors are needed everywhere, so it shouldn't be a huge problem with either choice. I'm screaming inside and my brain is going all "I DON'T WANNA GROW UP DAMMIT" Somebody please stop the time for me. Prolong it even a few minutes is enough. Just, let me enjoy the current moment a little bit more. What has past, will never ever come back anymore. As I write this post and looking at the clock ticking on my desktop, mixed feelings of sad, frustration, stress and......everything in between.  I don't really know how to express so I'll just put it as a "meh"

After I finish this rant post, I'll try and look forward to the future and what lies ahead. I'll try my hardest to pursue in my dreams. I don't want to let everyone down too, the expectations they placed on me, my parents, my family, my friends. 

So, what's your story? Have you made any reflections about your life recently?

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